Thursday, December 31, 2009

Seeking God's heart in the New Year

I love reading New Years resolutions and seeing the plans of those I care about. It really shows the heart of the person. I love the hope and the will to do what is right.

Personally I have never written any New Years resolutions, maybe for fear that I will mess up. I am one that if I have a plan and the plan somehow gets messed up I simply quit. The idea of not completing something properly scares me into just not doing it.

I am now with prayer and an open heart going to post my New Years resolutions. In 2010 I plan to:

1. Wholeheartedly seek the will of God for each day.
2. Finish the book of Isaiah and gain the understanding the Lord has for me in doing so.
3. Get up and move....exercise, so that I am in better health
4. Read at least 12 NEW books this year. Some of which have been collecting dust in my bookcase, while waiting for the perfect time to read them.
5. Memorize a scripture a week along with my children.
6. try making a new dish for my family at least once a month

I plan to add to this list as I feel the Lord speaking to me and to what He needs me to do. My feeling is you you can have more than one day to make this particular list. Your life changes and God is daily showing you your path and what you need to do to accomplish the art of staying on the path.

Now I pray over this list and ask that the Lord bless me and give my the strength to stick to and get these things done. I pray that the Lord send me the books he wants me to read, that will cause me to go deeper into his love and purpose for my life.

What are your New Years Goals???????????? Take some time to pray and seek God before you write them down.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 awe of the creator

The snow fell like a blanket yesterday. It was beautiful. It is kind of sad that it is melting now, but as it does it seams to be washing the earth. I am uncertain as to why we get snow when rain also washes the earth and just as well. I realize it is due to the rain freezing and all of the scientific stuff, but why do we get snow. It is so peace full as it falls. The world seams to go quiet and the inside of a person just fills with joy. You can see an adult change into a child with the first snowflake. I think inside of my heart I believe that God gives us this special, beautiful gift every once in a while. It is the same as a child's laughter, or the suddenness of getting to see an eagle take to flight, or the crash of the waves.

I am in awe at the wonder of nature. I do not worship it, but the creator. He makes all things beautiful and perfect. We are his creation as well. He has made each of us in his image, but each of us are made differently. We are also given free choice weather or not to follow Him and his ways. Everything the Lord does and gives to us is a blessing.

Lord God thank you for the blessings you give me daily and for knowing my every need, even if it was an unexpected snowfall.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

An unexpected answer

I have been feeling down and frustrated and sad. I had decided this was going to be a long night because I can't sleep when I am in this state of mind. I finally got really agitated and just gave up on everything and on the fight to keep going.

I run away from situations and tonight I ran to the solitude of my shower. I have been doing everything I can lately (including not typing what the Lord is saying to me in this blog) to not hear the quietness or stillness, because in this the problems of this world just well up and I feel under attack. I have been being obedient and praying us through these things, but I never let go of the control. I was still trying to fix it myself.

In the shower I knew that the Lord was telling me to stand up, lean on him, and let go. I then came and sat down to wright on my blog in obedience to Him, but before I got to this page to type I saw the blog of someone I love and trust. The message was simple "Just keep walking", it was then followed by scriptures that spoke about walking with the Lord and for the Lord. Not giving up. Keep moving in the direction of the Lord.

I feel right now like I can handle what has been thrown at me. I can handle anything as long as I let God be the one to hold me up and deal with it. I need to stop this fighting and rest in his arms. I know He has the perfect plans and solutions. He knows what He is doing and I am taken care of.

Thank you Lord for your amazing answers to my prayers. Please help me to stay on this right path and to not give up.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Thank you

holy experience

I love Christmas and spending it with family. I love my Mom, Dad and sister. We always had a great time celebrating, weather we were just us or spent it with my Grandparents and all the cousins... Every year is wonderful, especially now that I have my husband and my boys.

This last weekend my Mom and Dad joined us for the weekend. We visited, played games, opened gifts and best of all they joined me at my Church. I got to watch my Mother melt in the hands of God yesterday. The song was new to her and the Holy Spirit opened her ears and she allowed him to touch her heart. This was a Christmas gift from the Lord to me and one that will be with her for a long time.

When I got merried and my family grew, there were more people to love and to love me. We have desperatly tried for years to get my Sister-In-Law and her family to be able to be here with us for Christmas. The date was finally set for this year, the tickets bought and now we are making the preperations. This year, for the first time my In-laws will have all of their children and Grandchildren together on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I don't think any of us could have gotten Grandma Pam a better gift ever than this one.

Thank you Lord for
56. Family
57. Your son you sent
58. For one special day set aside that we are all to celebrate those we love
59. My Mother and Father
60. your Holy Spirit seeing what each of us need and giving it to us special each time.
61. That my boys have a special relationship with all of their Granparents
62. That my boys were so eager to go away with my parents for the week that they tried to carry all of their lugage out in one trip and almost forgot to hug me.
63. The looks on their faces when they see the Christmas lights, trees and presents; and the anticipation of Christmas Day

Thank you Lord for loving us enough to send us your son to save us. I can't wait for His next return.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Lord loves us no matter what!

I have always had trouble sleeping and called it Insomnia. I would do everything I could think of from drowning out the quiet with T.V., radio, sleeping pills, ect. These helped for me to get to sleep, but I was never rested.

About 2 years ago, as I was crying out for healing from this, God spoke to me about it. His words were simply "It's not insomnia, it's me." I was floored. The person I was crying out to for help with what I thought was an "illness", was trying to minister to me in the quiet of my house. HE was keeping me up and waking me up in the middle of the night all these years to talk to me or to show me a scripture or to prepare my lessons. I stopped using sleep aides unless I am sick or sleeping somewhere that is loud and different. The Lord still talks to me and keeps me up at wierd hours, but I now listen to what he has to say. These nights that I obey, and do as He says, He gives me the rest I need...even if I only sleeep for 3 hours in a night. These have been my breakthrough nights. These are the nights that he guides my steps and helps me to know what to do next in the little and the big things. These are the most fullfilling and healing nights that I have. I can tell when I am running from him and not wanting to heal, these are the restless no sleep nights, that I in all of me that is human calls insomnia. I know better and the next night I try to be a better daughter.

Today, on a day I thought I would be sleeping in, God woke me up to talk to me about an amazing book I have been reading. "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It is written based on the book of the Bible called "Hosea". God has the prophet Hosea take a prostitute as a wife, but warns him that she will be unfaithful and have children from other men. God then goes on to tell Hosea that he is to take her back each time. This was to illustrate God's relationship with Isreal.

Wow! This also speaks about our lives. How many times have I looked at what God has given me as a provision for my life and then slapped him in the face by going back to my old ways and sinning. He forgives us each time and each time he calls us His Beloved and takes us back.

He also tells us that even though we come to him a mess, he still wants to call us his bride. He picks us up, washes us off, sets us on our feet and says go. We try and fail over and over, until we willingly lean on our Father God, our beloved and say, "ok, I am ready, how do you want me to do it". Even though God shows us how, many times we still try our own way first, just like a child. Our failures mount up in our eyes like horible things hauting us and running after us, but God only sees what we will be. He loves us so much that just like a parent who is teaching a child to walk, He picks us up, brushes us off, sets us on the right path and he lets go. It is our choise DAILY to choose the right things. It is our choice DAILY to either waist the time given to us or to live fully and whole hearted for God. To never turn back to the old us.

Thank you Lord for taking time for me. For taking time to minister so personally to each one of us. To teach us your ways.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Christmas ......

Christmas traditions are a huge deal. From where you get your Christmas tree, to what Christmas music you listen to, what ornaments you buy and put on, who puts the lights and tree topper on the tree, what goes on the outside of the house.

My parents always made this part of Christmas special. We would go and pick out the tree from the lot. Mom and us girls would pull down the super huge box, while Dad was at work to get ready. I am not sure why we always used this huge box, the bottom of it was flimsy and always tried to fall out and the sides weren't much better, all of us complained about it, but there you are...Tradition. The Christmas music would be turned on. Dad would untangle the lights, which of course were a mess, while Mom made "eggnog" (you know the fake kind with no alcohol) and cut up Grandmas fruitcake that we were sent every year. Tracy and i would dig out the nativity scene, snow globes, stockings.

No matter what house we lived in these all would go into the same general place. Our stockings were red and white with our names spelled out in red and green glitter. The lights would still be a mess, so we being kids would "try" to help, but were sent off to "organize" the ornaments. Mom and Dad would put the lights and the garland on the tree. Then Dad would sit down to watch us all putting the decorations on the tree. We all had special ones that we liked to put on the tree. Then the most beautiful angel would come out of her box. I loved this angel. We would put her up on top of the tree and plug it in. WOW! What beauty. We would eat the yummy snack that had been prepared. Sing some carols while Mom played the piano. We would say a prayer. Mom would have us get ready for bed. Then as my sister and i lay there we would sometimes listen to Mom and Dad sing songs together. It was a nice way to fall asleep. Then on Christmas Eve we would go to the store and each of us would go and pick out an ornament. This is how we built up our collection. This was a tradition until I was about 11, because we had so many by then. My first one that I remember picking out, when I was 5 years old, was this toy soldier. He was amazing to me and still is. He was the first ornament to be placed on the tree by me and he still is. My parents gave me the angel when I got married, she later got ruined and my husband got me an almost identical replacement.

When my husband and I got married we brought our families traditions to the marriage just like everything else. Slowly over the 11 1/2 years and as our children have grown, the traditions of our families have melded and some of our own have taken there place. Jason goes to the mountains to pick out our tree. There is still the Christmas music. My Grandmother has stopped making the fruitcake and I am unable to have eggs. I put the lights and garland on. The boys help me put on the ornaments, I still put my toy solder on the tree. My angel goes on the top of the tree. Instead of us all getting an ornament, the boys are given one on Christmas day. We do have our stockings, Eric's was Jason's childhood one. On Christmas Eve the boys open PJ's so that they have new ones to sit and open gifts in.

The main tradition that stayed with me and I will never let go of is the story of our Lord and the reason we have this day set aside. On Christmas Eve the Mom gets to read the Night before Christmas. Then Grandma reads the Bible story. We pray. Grandma would make sure all of us understood why we celebrated Christmas. If it was a weekend we would go to Church.

If it were not for God choosing to send up his son Jesus to save us, we wouldn't have all the rest. Please remember, as you go through this holiday season, to keep Jesus as the center. It isn't about what you get Christmas morning it is about what He gave on the cross. Thank you my Lord.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A fun filled day with my boys.

holy experience
I took my boys Christmas shopping on Saturday. We decided when our oldest was about 3 years old to let our kids pick out what they wanted to give to to family members. We started with a Mom and Dad gift. Then when we had our second child and he was 4 we decided to start them getting gifts for family members. It was super fun to take those little guys (age 4 and 7) to Christmas shop at the $ tree. That year I decided if they picked it out then that is what people were going to get. One person got a lint brush, another clothes pins, a mug...and so on. Last year we were doing really well finatially so we went to $5 gifts instead of $ gifts. That was just as much fun and the boys still unerstood the idea of giving being just as good, if not better than getting. This year things are tighter, but we made sure to put this shopping trip into our budget. Instead of each boy giving each person a gift, they are giving one together. They still got the idea and they love thinking about each family member and what the person would want. I love that they are understanding that Christmas is about much more than getting stuff. Thank you Lord for the tools to teach my kids about Christmas and your love. I am still focused on having a symplistic Christmas. Family and my Lord mean more to me than what is under the tree.

52. a day with my boys
53. family that is understanding of a child
54. the love my family shows to my boys
55. stores that don't inflate the prices of things

Friday, November 27, 2009

To get away and see your creation=peace

I was feeling super tired and needed a break.

I came up with a great weekend get away.

We rented a house in Rockaway Beach for the Thanksgiving weekend.

These are pictures of my husband, sons and our dog at the beach. We had a great and wonderful time.

I feel refreshed and ready for life again. Thank you Lord for the peace you show in the beauty of your creation.

Monday, November 23, 2009

holy experience

Spending the month being Thankful along with my Church and now looking forward to my Jesse's Branch. I am very excited about this Holiday season, as my boys are older and are joining me in the traditions that my husband and my families have had all these years. They are old enough now to help to make our own family traditions.

41. I am thankful for children, 42. their laughter, 43. smiles, 44. hugs, 45. and the joy they show when you show them love.

46. I am thankful we have Thanksgiving, 47. Christmas, 48. family and friends to share our joy with. 49. For the snow, 50. rain, 51. wind

Thank you Lord for giving me all of these things.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Christmas is coming

My deepest desire this year for Christmas is to go deeper in my understanding of my Lord. That is why I am doing my Jesse's branch. We serve an amazing God and he sent us HIS ONLY son, but what does that mean. I could not imagine having to do what my God did. Not only did he intrust his son to a very young girl and have faith in her to make the right decisions about raising him to his full potential, but he also did it knowing full well that the result would watching him die on the cross. I fall to pieces is my children get hurt just a little bit.

God gave us a free will as humans, I would assume that Mary, Joseph and Jesus also had this free will. She agreed to what God said, but what would have happened if she had said a year or two into Jesus' life "this is too hard, I can't do it any more". Where would we be now.

God's plans are perfect. He chooses each of us to play a small or large part in this "internship" that we each have on this earth. We may never know what that part was. You truely don't know who you reach or touch. You don't know when you blunder and throw yet another unnecessary curve into your path until you are struggling. Then God puts us to right again. The Bible says that God knew us as we were being formed in our mothers womb. That means that he placed a plan on each of us, maybe not as big as Mary's was, but we have one just the same.

I alway fought mine. I wanted a bigger, grander more important purpose for my life than just being a Mom and wife. Children were not a part of MY plan, but God knows better. I was unhappy and struggled with myself until I let go and let God. God healed the broken places and he became my teacher. He tought me to have confidence in myself. I canned food this summer in preperation for the winter. I changed how I grocery shop and now my family is eating healthier homecooked meals. I decided last night to make my very first homemade stew. I bought the meat, seared it and added things that I had either frozen or canned this summer. I then put spices in. Spices have always made me nervous, but I am getting better and better. My family ate my stew and loved it. Jason even got another bowl for a snack instead of fattening junkfood.

When you feel God stretching you just relax and go with it. The result is so much better when He does it. I pray for a simplistic Christmas. For one that I can truely show my children the true meaning of why we celebrate Christ. I want them to understand that it isn't just the birth of a baby and then his death and resurection, but that our Lord and Savior is comming back again. He will live on this earth again and we will rule with him.

holy experience

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A glimmer of a smile in the pain.....

holy experience

I had amazing breakthroughs and revelations in my life that started to overflow into my blog last Wednesday. I then had an amazing time worshiping with the worship team on Thursday. One Sunday I rec omitted to the Lord that I would make sure that my priorities are a match to his. I shook off the pride and I stepped forward to claim it. I walked in obedience. I had an amazing day with my boys on that Sunday. My goal was less TV/electronic entertainment and more talking and making things together. There was joy and laughter. I made up my mind that my days were going to be filled with God first. I was going to make sure that time with my kids and my husband were going to be a top priority. I was going to make sure that I got up and got my devotions in and my "God dates". I even had an amazing God given blog (which I will still write :)) that I was planning on posting on Monday, but my modem crashed. Life was looking up and great and good and I had a plan! I had a God given plan!

And then it was Monday:
As all of my amazing friends who are truly in a relationship with God know, the next day (after proclaiming that God had been doing something in me)went down hill fast. I did everything I had told God I wanted to do, but the enemy fought hard. The enemy knew all of the buttons to push and I was beat on hard on Monday. I was beat on harder on Tuesday. Work, my kids, life were all just very difficult. I can't go into it all on the Internet, but I fought back and lost. I became a mess in the evenings and had very restless night sleeps.

Through all of this struggle and pain I was going through I got to see the beauty and the miracles of Jesus in a baby. I got to see his first steps. He has been playing at standing up and taking one half step that ends in a fall. We knew it was coming and I was praying that his parents would be the ones to get to see it. When you take care of someone else's child you fear that you will see all of the firsts. I had a hold of his hands as he stood looking at his Daddy, who had just gotten to my house to pick him up, and he stepped, stepped, stepped, stepped right into his Daddy's waiting arms. We all called out his name is shock and joy as he made this amazing milestone. His Dad and I were so very excited (wished his Mom had been there).

I was crying and praying today, looking for where I had gone wrong. What did I need to do. God wanted to remind me that he gets excited as I take my "first steps" and climb into his arms. I am making strides at being his perfect daughter and I am going to stumble-He knows this. I may not like that I have to stumble to grow, but that is how it works. He is pleased that I want to have him first in my mind and my life, that he is my first love, but he knows that life can get hard. He just wants me to be willing to come to him in my happy times, sad times, angry, tired, excitement...... He told me my my quiet time with him today that he is pleased with me and to just keep trying. When feel like a failure, he sees me as growing. When I fall down in the middle of trying to take "my first steps" he is there to take a hold of my hands once again and to guide me back to the right steps. This is called unconditional love.

Things are better today. There is still some pain, but sometimes there has to be pain for there to be healing. On Sunday I prayed for this healing in some situations and God is doing it. I may not like the process, but God's ways are perfect. It will take as long as it takes, but I thank God for starting.

If you are also going through this, just put on the worship music and ask God to speak to you...He will.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A lesson in a blanket

holy experience

I know I am a day late, but I had no time yesterday to get what I was thinking down. I FINISHED. In September my Church went on a fast and prayer for 21 days. For medical reasons I am unable to do a traditional fast of food, so I decided to fast Facebook. Then for some reason I just stopped playing computer games at the same time. Now apparently I used to play computer games a lot because I found that I had nothing to do in my free time. Hmm what to do?

A few months ago I was reunited with a friend I had lost touch with. It turns out she love to make things. If she sees a craft she will try to make it and usually she succeeds. We chat a lot on line and she is always showing me things that she has made or is making. We are talking crochet, knitting, you name it. I was fascinated by this. I wanted to make things too. I went out and got a bunch on yarn, crochet hooks and a book. I started one night trying to make a chain. Now I am a perfectionist and if I start something and it doesn't look right I drive myself crazy until it does. I tried and tried to get a chain I liked and couldn't. I then went online and started to see if I could find something easy to get going with. I was not going to fail at this, my husband had just let me spend the money to start my "new hobby". I wasn't going to let this hobby go onto the shelf with the rest of my failures. I ran into some videos on You Tube about making granny squares and I set out to start. I sat with my yarn and my hook with that video for two evenings. i struggled and I struggled. Why was she getting a square and I was getting a circle? Then I figured it out and was on my way. I got my first square made and showed it to my friend, she loved it. I then made another and another until I had 30. By this time I had decided to make a blanket for me. Now I usually would have made this big of a project for someone else because I have always felt non important. If you do something nice you need to do it for someone else. For some reason I chose to do it for ME. There are 99 squares in my beautiful blanket. I cried over things while making it. I prayed over things happening in my life and in my friends lives. I bought the Bible on MP3 and I listen to it as I crochet (can't do that very well while playing games on the computer). I struggled with it, but I accomplished something, and I did it for me.

I am worth it! I do matter! Now that I know I can do this amazing thing I am going to start sharing my gift. My next project is going to be another blanket for my neighbor. She is a wonderful person who has adopted me at a daughter and that loves my little family dearly. She fell in love with my blanket, so I will be giving her one too.

I have yet to go back to the computer games. I have played one or two since the fast ended, but they don't consume me like they used to. Now my mind is being stretched. Thank you Lord for caring about me enough to open my eyes and to teach me a new talent. My I bless others with this gift.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I can do it!

holy experience

Wow, was the only thought I had as I watched the sun rise today. I woke up sad and frustrated. I don't know why with all the beauty I was seeing outside my window. This morning should have been an easy one to wake up and worship God feely and with out trouble, but here I was. I then went and read a couple of the blogs I follow, they were wonderful, but the feeling stayed with me. So I decided to change the background of my blog, this just frustrated me more, as I had problem after problem. I never once turned on the worship music or opened my Bible. I sit typing honestly to you, so you know where I am at. I am now going to stop typing, log off my computer and start my morning right. I don't know what God will speak to me, but it has to be better than these thoughts and feelings soaring through my mind and body. I will be back.....

I just got done listening to the first 4 chapters of Isaiah. I don't read very well. I never have and it made school and life a struggle. I love to read, but it takes me forever to get through anything. I get distracted or fall asleep and have to reread what I just read over and over.

I also love to read a few things at a time. For example I am reading for fun "Love Comes Softly" by Jannet Oake, For growth I am reading "Crazy Love; Overwhelmed by a Relentless God" by Francis Chan, and my Bible. For my Bible reading I like to read during my prayer time insperational things and prayerful things that God has shown me for my life, then I work on reading a book of the Bible each month. I have over and over tried to read Isaiah, but this is my stumbling block I have been able to make my way through all the others over my life including Numbers, Leviticus, Duteronomy and even Revelations. With Isaiah I struggle. I make it a few chapters in and I get stuck. I then get frustrated and I put it away and choose another book of the Bible to read. I know that God has incredible words for me in Isaiah so I try over and over. I just purchased "The Message Bible" on MP3 and have been listening to it and following along on Bible Gateway, so I can see the words too. I am finally reading this book and it is wonderful. God speaking like a father to his children. He is so sad and just wants them to love him. He wants them to pray and to worship him, but for real, not for show. I know this is what he wants from us as well. It shouldn't be a struggle or a fight to love this amazing God who made all things, including me.

I am going to be persistant and I am going to get through this book, but not just to get through it this time. I am going to get through it because of the promises it holds for me and my family. I pray for God to give me revelation as I read this book.

Monday, November 2, 2009

with love and pride we send.....

holy experience

I sat yesterday in Church as my Pastor called a young man along with his parents up to the front of the room. He announced that this young man was leaving today for his basic training as a Marine. I sat watching a Mother looked at her baby with a mix of tears and pride in her eyes. I also watched as the Mother of another soldier already in the war hugged this amazing giving lady. We prayed for this young man and we said goodbye for now. I stood there thinking of all of the families and Churches that have done the same. Mostly of my Aunt who has already been through this once and is now saying goodbye to her son again in a month. So this multitude Monday is in honor of our young men and women who fight for us, as well as the people who let them go. I am thankful for:

31. Our soldiers~those who are fighting and those who already have
32. Their families
33. Our freedom
34. Michael
35. Alex
36. Rich
37. the others in my family and in my acquaintance
37. The mothers and wives who watch them go
38. Strength
39. courage
40. The peace of mind that they give us that we are safe

I thank them all. Please join me in praying for them.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

holy experience

On this walk with him Wednesday I sit remembering back to the scariest moment of my life as a mother. I also remember that each step of the way God was there to comfort me and guide the doctors.

The hardest thing to hear from a doctor is that your baby need surgery. I had a very big baby, at birth he was 9 lbs 4 oz. He was a beautiful big baby. He loved to eat and I had a hard time keeping up with him, but managed somehow. At 2 weeks of age he started throwing up all the milk I gave him. He and I spent that week in our robes because every time I would feed him it would immediately come right back out. He was so little that he was eating every 2 hours, but because he was throwing it all back up he would cry the rest of the time. He was hungry.

I also spent the week calling the doctors office, who blew me off. I was a young Mom, I had just turned 19. I was watching my baby loose weight and he looked bad. His urine in the diaper one day was orange and I called the doctor again. The answer was "call again when he goes 24 hours without urinating". I prayed a new prayer at that point. Instead of asking God to heal my son I said, "God please don't let this baby urinate", God answered. I called the doctors office exactly 24 hours later. They made an appointment. The doctor's answer was that Eric needed to go to the hospital immediately and be admitted. I was alone and had to drive to the hospital my self, but somehow God got me to the hospital and through the paperwork.

Eric was so small to the pediatric nursed that they couldn't get the IV in. The neo- natal nurses were called, but he was so big to them. I was a wreck, it took 30 min to get an IV into my baby because of how dehydrated he was. It turned out to be something called Hypertrophic Pyloric Stonosis-or in simpler terms the opening between his stomach and intestines was closed off and needed to be opened.

The doctor operated and immediately Eric improved. He gained back all of his weight and then some, he was thriving.

I was terrified during this experience, but I know God was walking with me and taking care of my baby. Eric is now 11 years old and a very healthy, very tall child.

I was taught at a young age to lean on God and not on your own understanding through trials in life. I of course was upset and scared, but all I could do was pray. We felt God in the hospital room that week.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Matthew 6:6 go into your secret place and pray

I wake up now an hour and 45 min before I need to work. I used to just roll out of bed get my shower done, clothes on and hope my hair looked decent for the parents who were dropping off their kids. I have a daycare and my commute is only 5 seconds, but I was never mentally ready when the kids got here. I also wasn't taking time for the Lord. I always said "later". Later wasn't coming.

Now today, I sit in a clean house. The dishes are done. I have been up and ready since since 6 and I have been able to meet with God. My days have gotten better. I am not as short with the kids or my husband. My ideas for what to do today are flowing. I do however wish I had gotten up at 5:30 so that I could have more time with God. This is a good feeling, because it means I am wanting more and more of him each day. My desperation for his is increasing.

My devotion times have changed. I now gather my books and bibles around me. I grab my computer and I wait. I read my devotions, pray and ask God what he has for me today-He sometimes answers right away, sometimes not. Then I look through my dashboard and see what God is saying to my fellow sister bloggers. He as spoken to me or confirmed things to me through some of you. I then journal on my blog. Sometimes you get to see what God has said to me through my blogs, other times I just save them for me or for later.

I have been reading an amazing book called Crazy Love. The author is incredible and he walks you through God's love and how God is wanting more love from us. I got to the middle of a chapter and he told us to stop reading and to pick up the gospels. He said that that is where he went when he was studying about God's love. I got to Matthew 6:6 Jesus is telling us how to pray. "But when you pray, go into your {most} private room, and, closing the door, pray to your Father, who is in secret; and your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you in the open." God loves us enough that he wants to minister to each of us personally. He has something, a gift for each one of his children. He gives his love to us for nothing. He desperately want each of us to love him. Just as a Mother, who's baby isn't talking yet longs to hear the words from her babes mouth "I love you", God wants nothing more than to hear the words from his children "Father, I Love You!" We do this through prayer in our secret room. He shows us love in that secret room and changes us. He changes us on the inside, but what comes out of us for the World to see is his amazing love and light.

There is beauty in a bride as she awaits her groom, just as there is in us when we start showing God our love and antisipating his arrival.

Don't forget to go into your secret room today and to love on your Father God.

Getting back to it

I have been praying daily for my boys, but I had lost my calendar that I was getting the daily prayer targets from. It is fun when you loose stuff. Well, I am back to posting these daily as I found one I could load onto my computer :).

Today is the 27th
Passion for the Lord
Psalm 42:1
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

I can only pray for this for my children and be an example. There are things that you can not make people do and this is one of them. Lord God I pray a passion into my children to seek after you. Lord just as the deer needs water to live, I pray that my boys will see that they need you to live. Lord help my husband and I to be living examples to you r Word. Let us show our children what it means to LOVE passionately or Lord and maker. I praise you and thank you for creating us.

Monday, October 26, 2009

holy experience

Multitude start to my 1000 things I am thankful for

I am starting Multitude Monday on my page. A dear friend of mine has gotten into this and I felt it would be a great thing for me to start seeing what there is around me and all the little blessings God has given to me. So here is my start of 1000 things I am thankful for.......
1. my God
2. his word
3. my husband
4. my son Eric
5. my son Stephen
6. my parents
7. my husbands parents
8. my sisters and brother
9. music
11. being alive
12. my puppy
13. my cats
14. my home
15. my church family 16. music 17. books 18. the rain 19. the sunshine 20. oceans 21. summer 22. fall 23. winter 24. spring 25. the ocean 26. love 27. trees 28. my quiet corner for meeting with God 29. my journal where my thought about God and my letters to God 30. His healing power...................................................................................... Our God is so great and powerful. He love us so much. I sat down and thought that finding 10 things to be thankful for would be hard and I made myself stop at 30. I am so thankful and can't wait until next Monday to continue my list. Praise the Lord!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

my boys

I love my kids they are one of the best gifts God decided to give to me. They love to be silly. They love to fight. They love to hug and joke and just be kids. I wasn't sure how I would do raising 2 boys, but so far God has been my biggest help. We have had many ups and downs, but they are healthy and have so much love for me.
They are full of energy. They love to go everywhere and do everything. Our favorite places to go are the zoo, OMSI, the park, but our favorite thing to do is make stuff. They love to bake, do crafts, anything that uses their minds. My kiddos are super smart and very fun to be with. I would never trade them for any others.

We talk constantly, especially in the car. Our best game is which way. I will ask one boy turn or go straight as I am driving towards a destination. Now we live in Portland and there are so many different ways you can go and still get places. So the first boy will choose the direction and then the second boy. This goes on until we get to where there are no more choices. They love this simple silly thing we came up with one day while they were having an argument. They forgot about what they were upset about. We also play the alphabet game and # game. The game that can go on forever is "would you rather?" (thanks Jenn:))
They also have normal boy interest that I can't really relate to, but enjoy watching. Like being a "Star Wars character" or making everything into a weapon. I guess this is what makes boys so special. They can entertain themselves with rocks and mud. lol
I am loving moving into the new stages of their lives and I am excited to find out what tomorrow will bring. It takes a lot of prayer, constant prayer. It also take my husband, our entire family and our Church to help form these special gifts, but I know we are all up to the task.
I love you boys!!!

Friday, October 23, 2009

God's love is like an Ocean

God's love is like the ocean,
it is calm and inviting.

Stormy and strong.

It changes yet is constant.
It gives life.
There is comfort in the crash of a wave or a storm on the beach.
There is stability.
Just open up your heart and let it in.

You will find peace.

Praying for our Children

1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My Fathers' love

God gave me an amazing earthly Father and in him an amazing friend. My Dad would do anything for me. If I got burnt he would get me help. If I fell he would pick me up and brush me off. If I needed to laugh he would make my toys talk. If I needed a hug he would hug me. He taught me how to drive. He sat up with me during lambing season. We even wrote speeches together and made things in his shop for school. My Dad and I are still very close. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding and gave me away, but he never stopped being my Daddy. We have cried together, laughed together and had some pretty good fights, but through this I know we loved each other and always will.

I have been reading a lot of books about God's love for us. I went to woman's retreat this last weekend and we were taught on the love of our Father God. God's love is like my Dad's. It never ends no matter what I do or how far away from him I am.

I used to "hide" in my Dad's jackets. I would slowly over time start wearing his old jacket when he got a new one. He got one every year through work. This was a joke in my family, but a big deal in my life. Now I was a very small kid so me wearing the jacket of my 6' 2 1/2" Dad looked funny. I knew people made fun of my choice in jackets, but I was so scared to take it off. Having his jacket on me was like having him sitting in the school with his arms wrapped around me. Wearing his coat made me "invisible" and made it so the pain was less when the other kids would laugh at I thought. It took away from the other things they could have made fun of.

God has been working on me and healing me over the last 5 years. Two years ago the jacket came off, I actually gave it back to my Dad. I no longer have to wear my daddy's jacket because I am able to feel the arms of my father God around me just like that jacket. I didn't trade in one Dad for another, I just accepted that I am enough. I am who God made me too be. I still can feel my daddy's arms around me and I know he is only a phone call away, but I also know that my Father God is just a "call" away too.

Praying for our Children

Day 21~Responsibility
Galations 6:5
For each should carry his own load.

Lord I pray over my children that they will be responsible for their own load. Lord please help me to teach them to not be lazy and to not cast their responsibilities off on to other people.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Praying for my children

I was away for the weekend at woman's retreat this weekend. I did continue praying, I just wasn't able to post it. Today as it is Oct 20th I am praying for compassion in my children.

Colossians 3:12
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

OH, God as my children are out in the world today please be with them. If anyone hurts their feelings please let them have compassion with the other person. I pray that they can forgive others.

Friday, October 16, 2009


Today is our Church's woman's retreat. I look forward to this weekend all year. I get up in the morning and I start to get ready, even though I won't be getting there until 6pm. I don't know what God has in store for me or for my amazing sisters, but I know He has been in anticipation longer than I have been. He desires for us to seek his presence. He desires us to lay all walls and burdens down at his feet and to allow him to hold us and comfort us, to change us. He has been looking forward to this weekend since the begining of time, ever since he knew that he was going to make each one of us. He knew the struggles and choices each of us were going to make in this life. He knows our burdens, what holds us back, everything about us. As we have been anticipating this weekend, so has he. He desires to meet with each one of us on a personal level and on a group level.

I can't wait to see how he is going to move and minister.

praying for our children

Romans 14:19
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.

Lord I pray that you are with my boys today as they go to school. Lord I pray that they do all things that lead to peace. I pray that they do as they are told and don't get angry. Help them to make correct decisions today.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Praying for my children

Oct 15th
1 Timothy 6:18
"Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share."

Lord, I pray my children would be rich in good deeds, generous and willing to share. Lord I pray that they don't think of themselves first, but of you and how you would do things. Please be with them today as they are not under my care, but at school.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Am I living to please God?

I was sitting here, after praying over my children watching the wind blow the clouds across the sky, my Bible still lying open to 1 thessalonians. I looked down and Chapter 4's title caught my eye; living to please God. I read this chapter and it goes on to talk about the coming of the Lord and us being ready. I was sitting here thinking about what I had just read and asking myself; am I living to please God or to please Stephanie? I looked at my priorities and thought back to when I woke up was my first thought of God or me? This is something I think we all struggle with and have to look at daily. This is just food for thought. Think about your daily activities and if you are pleasing God in all that you do.

praying day 14

Praying for our Children Day 14
1 Thessalonians 5:15
"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else."

Father I pray that my children would be kind to each other and to everyone else. Lord even when someone is mean to them during the day I pray that they will not try to do the same thing back to that person. Lord help me to be able to teach them this today and everyday.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Oh the beautiful rain

I love the rain, to a certain point. Today I love it because it was gone for so long. I truly feel like we now have fall. The icky leaves sticking to everyone's shoes as they come into my clean house. The drip drip sound. My warm fire. The smell of clean.

I decorated for fall this year. I have never done that before. I went out and got some pictures, a cute pumpkin and even a string of leaves. I was really feeling domestic this year. I have also made soups and cookies.

I feel like accepting the fall is like laying out the entrance mat to winter. I am so ready for Christmas. My friend informed me a few days ago that it was only 12 weeks away. Let it come.

following the praying for our children prayer calendar

I have always prayed for my children, but not like I should. I was given this calendar by one of my Pastor's and I am hoping that in praying through these daily I will get myself into the healthy habit of praying for my children first thing in the morning. I also hope that those of you with kids that read this will pray along for your children. In God's love.

Praying for our Children
Day 13

"Create in me a pure heart, O God , and renew a right spirit within me."

Create in my children pure hearts, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their lives. Lord I pray over my children as they go our into this world that they see and hear pure things. Protect their minds and hearts from the things of this world and walk with them. Lord protect them from the bullies who don't like when people don't "act" like them. Guide Jason and I in what we say, do and watch in front of our children. Let our home be a sanctuary to our children.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Putting the past in the past ...

Today I woke up and this was the song on my heart. "You fought the fight in me. You chased me down and finished the race. I was blind, but now I see. Jesus you kept the faith in me."

I was feeling discouraged for about a week. I was frustrated that my life has just seamed so difficult. I was being chased by really bad memories and thoughts. I had been healed of these things, but I left the door open just a crack and the enemy started to ooze right back in. I was starting to go back to feeling inadequate and unimportant. Praise the Lord he acted quickly. God sent me a little messenger yesterday. Through her he reminded me of where I started on this journey and how far I have come. I have been delivered and healed from so much and I need to claim that. I am a new me. I am becoming who God made me to be. I am walking in the purposes He has for me.

I am not willing to play the poor me game anymore. The past is the past. My song has changed. I have been worth the fight and I will keep going no matter what.

This song has been running through my head for a few days. The title is Empty and beautiful by Matt Maher. I got stuck on the first verse. "My past won't stop haunting me. In this prison there's a fight between who I am and who I used to be."

In my closet of self pity I couldn't move past this verse and each time it came through my head I would just cry. It wasn't until today, in my clarity, that the rest of the song came into my head. Jesus fought for us. He laid it ALL down and died so that I could be who he made me to be. I am now locking the door to the past hurts and struggles. I am "awaiting, set apart, like incence to your heart. Like a basin I'm pouring out Empty and beautiful." Beautiful is what I am to the Lord (what we all are). He chose us, not the other way around.

I hope that my honesty will help anyone else who just slipped a bit, to get back up, dust yourself off and get moving in the right direction.
Praying for our Children
Day 12
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Lord. may my children always be strong and courageous in their character and their actions. God I pray that you go with them as they go to school today. Keep them from harm. God protect them from any that would want to hurt them. Please be with them as they learn today. Protect their ears from hearing any wrong thinking. Protect their minds from learning any wrong thinking. Lord I pray that you are also with them on their way home today. Please let them be safe and protect them from anything that may try to hurt them. Lord I pray over Stephen today, that you help him to not be scared. Lord give him a courageous spirit. I pray for a new boldness in Eric, that when he speaks he speaks clearly and with purpose. Cover them with your love and protection.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Fun filled day with my boys

I has a fun evening with my boys the other day and posted what we did on facebook. This was our what blows up in the microwave night. lol. On that post a wonderful friend, who is wiser than I said she hoped that us mothers were writing down some of the things we post about our children. Her thought was that then the kids could look back and remember the really fun times. I have decided to add these fun days to my blog. I want my boys to be able to come back here someday and have great memories. So this is my first memory entry.

Today I get to take my boys to as many places as I want to, just us. I am very excited about this. I am saving this now and will come back and add what we did and the highlights of the day.

I took them to the zoo to show them the new Lion exhibit. We had a lot of fun. We walked straight through everything else, just so see the lions. It was well worth it as they were up walking around. They also have wild dogs, that is what Stephen really wanted to see.

We then drove up to Vancouver and had lunch at Wendy's on our way to the movie theater. The regal cinema has a $3 theater. We saw G-Force. This is a movie that kids love and mothers wish was never made. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

Then we went to Wallgreens to spend their birthday money and to get a gift for a little friends Birthday.

This was a long, but fun day. I would never change being the mother of these two amazing boys for anything.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I have surprised myself and it seems a few others the last couple of months. I have used some old skills that I haven't used in years, as well as learned some new all in one summer. I learned how to can and freeze this summer. I was seeing how much food gets wasted that we can freeze or prepare in a new way to store it up for later. I have also learned how to shop the adds and to cook the foods that are on sale. It turns out I can actually cook. This was news to my family and myself. I have learned how to use a crock pot and how to marinade.

Right now I am teaching myself how to crochet and I will be sewing myself some pj's. I do believe that next I will try a quilt, now that I have a new friend with an amazing website. The accomplishment I feel with the fact that I can make things is amazing.

I can truly see that God is trying to teach me a lesson about myself. Just like the seasons change on our planet, we have changing seasons. The growth of the small plants that God has been nurturing in me are wonderful to see. I am learning that he never lets go. He is always there. I have never been a huge fan of myself, but seeing how my biggest fan (Jesus) sees me, is changing this. When I changed my way of thinking form poor me to how can I serve Christ and others through this hurt, my life and personality changed. I have put God first and in doing this the rest has just fallen into place.

Thank you for teaching me daily about you and about me. I am so thankful today for your love and your patience. I am so thankful today for your understanding, grace and mercy. I thank you for my husband, boys, family and my Church. You are an amazing provider and friend. You have been my best friend longer than anyone. Even when everyone else abandoned me, you kept loving me and helping me. Teach me your ways, so I can be more like you.

Your loving daughter
Stephanie Dawn

Monday, October 5, 2009

Oh what a crazy , but needed year.....

It was a year ago that Jason and I had to make one of the biggest decisions regarding our children. Whether to use medication to help calm our son down or not. As a mother my goal was to in all cases if at all possible we would use as little medicine on our children as possible. Now they were asking me to give my son a class C medication. We were frustrated and angry. I did a lot of being angry with myself and God. I was in between blaming myself that I couldn't just change my parenting and angry with him for letting it happen. Both were wrong reactions and I knew it.

Through a lot of crying and praying, we decided it would be better to try the medicine and give him a chance. Doing that and getting him some special help at school were both helping a lot. We then cut way down on the sugar intake. He is a different kid. With in a month he had jumped 2 grade levels in reading and started to like school. God promised to take care of us in all things. He promised me that it was going to be O.K. I am so greatful that my little boy is doing so well. Our hope is that by Jr. High he will not need the medication, but I have put it in God's hands and am trusting.

This caused me to let go of a lot of things and put my problems into Gods hand. He truly knows what I need and when. Waiting is hard, but the reward is so great.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The start to a new school year <3

So far we have the start of school and one birthday has past. In two days my youngest will be celebrating his 8th birthday. Where did the time go?

5th grade for Eric has started off really well. He has the same teacher this year which is great. This gentleman has drawn out a confidence in Eric that no one else has been able to reach. Eric is well into the wonderful start of adolescence. He and I have had some definite misunderstandings as to has smart or not so smart I am. :) He all in all is a great kid. We are getting really close to looking each other literally in the eye. This kid is almost 5 ft. he only has an inch to go.

This is the best start to a school year for Stephen. We are into 2nd grade. Everyday this week he has come home and started many sentences with "My teacher is so nice, she lets us..." He is calm and so far we have had no phone calls or notes home. Stephen has never liked school. The rules and structure got in his way.

We are well on our way to raising up two fine young men. I pray every step of the way for God to guide Jason and I. I want the boys to look back and say wow, they really loved us. I want them to become the men of God that I have been called to raise. I want them to win others to the Lord and to someday find the helpmate that God has chosen out for them. I pray that we can instill into them the foundations of who our God is and why we serve Him, so they continue to follow him all of their days. Right now they just need my prayers, love and attention. The future is scary unless you look at it with God holding you up and helping you to do what he has called you to do.

Pro 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

I know that this school year will have its bumps, but for now I am very optimistic.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A new me

Today I am starting a new journal. I use my journal for my Bible studies, notes in Church and my personal feelings and thoughts. This is more like a long letter to God. Every time I fill one up and start a new one I feel that I am starting into a new chapter and season in God and my spiritual walk. This time is no different.

I have changed a lot this year. I know people are seeing the external changes, but I wonder if they realize that the outside is only changing because the inside has changed. I have found that God loves me the WAY I AM. Not the way someone else is, but the way he made me.

I am still a work in progress and there are many other things that have changed in me this last year. The biggest is that I like me!

God is incredible and I plan to learn more about him and me this year.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"I have been there"

I was driving to spend the weekend with my Mom and a song ( I have been there) came on the radio by Mark Schultz. I started crying and almost had to pull my van over. Fear, pain, and sorrow are all things that God has felt. He has been through everything that we could ever go through. I believe he hurts for and with us. He knows we loose faith, but if we will just pray and listen he will show us the answer. Lean on God. He is there for us. He created us to for love.

I was also reminded yesterday of the verse that God gave me about 6 months ago and I have been faithfully up until the last month been praying. It is marked in both of my Bibles. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Prov 3:5-6 . He knows that we loose faith and that trust can be hard. He used this to remind me that he is there and loves me. I will never be alone.

This summer has been a difficult one for us. Our financial situation, like many others in the US has changed. I was also sick for about a month and a few other things were happening. I easily could have gone into a depression this summer, but I didn't. Instead I have been leaning on God and trusting him. I was scared at first, but then God gave me creative inspiration. I know we are going to be ok, oh and we have been. I know that God is with me. I know that I am his child and as he takes care of the sparrow, I will be cared for even better. I Trust in the Lord with all of my heart.

I look back at all that has happened in my life and I know that through every step God has been standing with me and loving me. I have felt his pull into his arms and I respond now with love and open arms.

Now we are getting ready for school to start, but that is a different blog. :)

~Steph~ Prov 3:5-6

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What a wonderful God we serve

I woke up today very rested. It was pouring down rain, so I took the boys to school and got myself and the kiddo I am watching some breakfast. I am now watching it rain and doing my Bible reading. I walked past the area that I am trying to grow a garden in and was reminded of God's glory, mercy and grace. I planted some amazing seeds a few weeks ago and I have been watching them grow. I made it possible for a living thing to grow to feed my children this summer and fall. I was so excited when I saw those baby plants peak up through the ground and thrive. I planted more, I couldn't help it, I needed to see more grow. I don't know what I will do with all the radishes I will have in a few months, but boy they are growing. It reminded me this morning of of the planting of seeds in the hearts and lives of people in my life.

I just went through an amazing class in my Church called "Jump start". This was a class for new Christians or those that felt that they needed a jump start in their walk with the Lord. Our teacher reminded us of a story she has told us a few time. It was about a wonderful woman that picked her and her siblings up every Sunday to go to Church and how all of those kids, including her are serving the Lord and many lives have been touched by the act of that one woman. I am taking some time today in my prayer time to ask the Lord to please help to daily be a light into the life of those around me. I am asking for the opportunities to come my way. I know that I already touch the lives of a few, but I want to touch the lives of many.

Please God help me not to be selfish, but to be free with my time, love and generosity. God you are my strength and my refuge. You are good and your love endures forever. Open the eyes of my heart Lord to see those in need around me.

Show me how to better love my boys and to show them how to love those around them. Thank you for choosing me to mold these amazing little men. Thank you also for the children who enter my home everyday. Please show my what their little spirits need and how I can better show them your love. Please help me to show the children of our Church your love and how they can spread the word of God in their worlds. Please teach me how to teach them. You are the only way I can do all of these things. Thank you for those around me that I can lift up when they are down and for those who do the same for me.

Psalm 111
Praise the Lord! I will thank the Lord with all my heart as I meet with his godly people. How amazing are the deeds of the Lord! All who delight in him should ponder them. Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty. His righteousness never fails.

Thank you Lord.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Ok I need to do this today or I never will!

Isaiah 40:31
those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

I am a child of God with a unique, but not so unique calling on my life. I was chosen by God to be the Mother of two boys. Now if you do not know me or my boys you will wonder at my opening sentence. My life with these little guys has not been the easiest. I have had to make choice after choice in regards to them their education and their health.

The easiest choices for me were to #1 have them and #2 raise them to be Men of God in a Church that loves the Lord. After that my life has been filled with hard choices, some that lead to bitterness.

My oldest is 10 and was given by his doctor a provisional diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. So this is hard to digest as a parent. Jason and I were called to a meeting at the grade school when Eric was in the 3rd grade. We started a battle for our child. I had to sign papers that the school could test my child for Autism and behavior issues. I also had to agree to fill out some forms as to what I noticed in my son and to make a visit to the doctor. I thought that having to go through my baby having a surgery was the hardest thing I would have to do, I was wrong.

We jumped through their hoops and leaned on the support of our family and Pastors. In the end we had to go to an even harder meeting and sign a paper putting our son into special education classes and services. I was angry with God and wanted to know where he was in all of this. Why was this happening to us. Our marriage up to that point had been hard enough and we had been through enough. What did I do wrong in my pregnancy or raising of Eric? Why was I alone? Being prone to easily slipping into a depression that is what I did. If it hadn't been for those around me and my Worshiping God through the pain I don't know that I would have made it.

We did the right thing. Eric has received the help that he needed. The testing showed that He was in the 98th percentile with his IQ. In the 2nd grade he tested at a 7th grade reading level. The only struggles he had were social and in writing. Now in the fifth grade he is 75% better socially and he meets benchmark in writing. I am now able to have conversations with him and he is becoming more independent. During this time Stephen started to have some behavior issues.

Over the next year and a half God did some healing in me. He finally healed me from depression, self doubt, an eating disorder, and a hate for myself. God showed me that I was beautiful and he made me the way I am on purpose. He helped me to realize that I am not shy. He never intended me to be that way. People who haven't seen me in a while would be surprised in the changes in me.

God's timing is so amazing, if he hadn't removed all of the pain and bitterness from me, our next part of the journey would have been much different. After my healing process is when the school informed us that our youngest, Stephen, was also in need of some special help at school. They felt he had ADD with hyperactivity and wanted us to do the same testing on him and fill out the same papers. It took a year and visiting the doctor to get a diagnosis of ADHD and that the only help would be medication. My heart sunk. I got mad at God again and asked the same questions of him. He reminded me that He was with us through the last struggle and he would be with us through this. I did cry a lot, prayed and then we decided to try the medication. The doctor said it would take some behavior training, as well as some counseling. Stephen had gone for so long with the wrong behaviors at school and needed to learn how to behave. He has been on the medication since October and our world is so different. Our little boy listens to us. He and Eric get along a lot better.

The calls from the school concerning our boys, have gone from about 5-10 a week to maybe 2 a month. I no longer live in constant dread of "what are they going to do today?" "Can I leave them with a sitter?" "Will I have to explain why they reacted differently to something than other kids would?". My fears have gone away.

Everyone in our small family has grown in our faith and in love for each other. I don't know if I would have survived with knowing that God was and is in control. I am excited about sharring about my life as a mother as I walk with Christ and grow in him. Thanks for listening.