Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A glimmer of a smile in the pain.....

holy experience

I had amazing breakthroughs and revelations in my life that started to overflow into my blog last Wednesday. I then had an amazing time worshiping with the worship team on Thursday. One Sunday I rec omitted to the Lord that I would make sure that my priorities are a match to his. I shook off the pride and I stepped forward to claim it. I walked in obedience. I had an amazing day with my boys on that Sunday. My goal was less TV/electronic entertainment and more talking and making things together. There was joy and laughter. I made up my mind that my days were going to be filled with God first. I was going to make sure that time with my kids and my husband were going to be a top priority. I was going to make sure that I got up and got my devotions in and my "God dates". I even had an amazing God given blog (which I will still write :)) that I was planning on posting on Monday, but my modem crashed. Life was looking up and great and good and I had a plan! I had a God given plan!

And then it was Monday:
As all of my amazing friends who are truly in a relationship with God know, the next day (after proclaiming that God had been doing something in me)went down hill fast. I did everything I had told God I wanted to do, but the enemy fought hard. The enemy knew all of the buttons to push and I was beat on hard on Monday. I was beat on harder on Tuesday. Work, my kids, life were all just very difficult. I can't go into it all on the Internet, but I fought back and lost. I became a mess in the evenings and had very restless night sleeps.

Through all of this struggle and pain I was going through I got to see the beauty and the miracles of Jesus in a baby. I got to see his first steps. He has been playing at standing up and taking one half step that ends in a fall. We knew it was coming and I was praying that his parents would be the ones to get to see it. When you take care of someone else's child you fear that you will see all of the firsts. I had a hold of his hands as he stood looking at his Daddy, who had just gotten to my house to pick him up, and he stepped, stepped, stepped, stepped right into his Daddy's waiting arms. We all called out his name is shock and joy as he made this amazing milestone. His Dad and I were so very excited (wished his Mom had been there).

I was crying and praying today, looking for where I had gone wrong. What did I need to do. God wanted to remind me that he gets excited as I take my "first steps" and climb into his arms. I am making strides at being his perfect daughter and I am going to stumble-He knows this. I may not like that I have to stumble to grow, but that is how it works. He is pleased that I want to have him first in my mind and my life, that he is my first love, but he knows that life can get hard. He just wants me to be willing to come to him in my happy times, sad times, angry, tired, excitement...... He told me my my quiet time with him today that he is pleased with me and to just keep trying. When feel like a failure, he sees me as growing. When I fall down in the middle of trying to take "my first steps" he is there to take a hold of my hands once again and to guide me back to the right steps. This is called unconditional love.

Things are better today. There is still some pain, but sometimes there has to be pain for there to be healing. On Sunday I prayed for this healing in some situations and God is doing it. I may not like the process, but God's ways are perfect. It will take as long as it takes, but I thank God for starting.

If you are also going through this, just put on the worship music and ask God to speak to you...He will.

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