letting go

I am learning more about myself as a mother and about my oldest son this week while he is away. I have a unique situation as a mother. Since he was in 2nd grade we have been advocating for him and his school situation. He has had struggles, but we have had to have a balance between this is the Aspergers and this is just behavior issues. I have had to be a parent who looks at each situation we are going into and prepare myself for what could go wrong and make the right adjustments or inform Eric of what is going to be happening. People with AS don't like surprises. The problem is that while Eric has been growing, maturing and learning how to handle situations, I have been stuck back at the beginning.

I made a huge step and allowed Eric to go to Youth camp this year. This involved a bus ride, eating with others, playing games, sleeping somewhere else for 3 nights, worship and preaching services. All with out me. I do have a person there with him who is aware of AS and how to help in situations, but I am not there. Since I have never been to the camp I wasn't able to "warn" Eric about this or that. I had to let go! I had to once again say "OK God he is yours". I took Eric to the Church the kids were all meeting at. He was so excited and had no reservations about going. I looked at him and said ~"it's time for me to let you go a bit more isn't" and he, with a big smile on is face and a squeeze of my hand, nodded his head.

I dropped him off, got in the van, cried and prayed. My son is growing up this week and so am I.

We have been getting small videos each day and what I see in them makes me proud. He is participating, worshiping, praying and I guess eating a lot. My worries about him and how he will be in life are getting less and less. He has had the training and knowledge necessary to make it in Jr. High and in life. All I can do now is pray and put him in God's capable hands.

This week I have been praying for a life changing experience and a revelation of who God is to my son. I am praying he walks away from the camp experience with a close friend in Jesus and a place he can see as a refuge for the tough days. I also pray healing over him from AS.

My day!

I have had a crazy summer and that ='s very little blogging time. I thought today would be a good day to post one. This is my day, or rather my birthday. My Mom was always good about making sure that my sister and I had "our day" and that it was special. I didn't have to do any chores. My favorite food was made for dinner and my favorite activity (that didn't cost money) was done. Dad would work really late, since it was summer, but that night we would all stay up until he got home and I would open up my presents. This was the best day for me next to Christmas. It wasn't often that all attention was on me. The coolest thing to me was that I thought I had caught up to my sister in age, even if it was just for one day.



Then the next day everything would reverse as it was my sister's day. My sister and I are 364 days apart in age. If we had a party it was a joint party, but on our individual days we were individual and it was "our day"!

Found this on another blog

I decided to fill this out to let everyone know a little about me besides that I am married with two boys.


Since everyone else is...
What color are your socks right now?
When I wear socks they are white

What are you listening to right now?
the dishwasher

What was the last thing you ate?
toast

Can you drive a stick?
Yes, I learned how do drive by driving old farm trucks

Last person you spoke to on the phone?
My Mom, It was a very nice talk today.

How old are you today?
30

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
Ice Dancing

What is your favorite drink?
Squirt

Have you ever dyed your hair?
yes

Favorite food?
Watermelon

What is the last movie you watched?
I watched Denis the Menis strikes again with my boys

Favorite day of the year?
Christmas

How do you vent anger?
Crying

What was your favorite toy as a child?
My pig

Favorite Season?
Spring

Cherries or Blueberries?
Cherries

Living situation?
A house with my husband and 2 boys

When was the last time you cried?
Sunday

What is on the floor of your closet right now?
everything

What are you most afraid of?
being alone

Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
Plain with pickles and ketchup.

Favorite dog breed?
My dog is pretty great she is a mutt

Favorite day of the week?
Saturday

How many states have you lived in?
Three: Oregon, Idaho, Washington

Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds

What is your favorite flower?
White roses.

Did you get an H1N1 vaccine?
No and I didn't get sick!

Please post this with your answers on your blog and leave a comment on this post so I know to go check out your answers.

♥

my mid morning devotion time

I haven't posted a gratitude list in over a week maybe two. I have been going through some stuff that has exhausted me and pulling away from God and people, but that is something that can and will change. Healing only comes when we allow God in to work on our hearts. Instead of going into what the stuff is I have been dealing with I will share what God is doing now to help me through the "stuff".

I know that it isn't what we do, but how our heart is when we do things. For example I can read my Bible everyday and it could just be to check it off the list of expectations or I can read my Bible everyday to get out of the Word of God what God has for me. I choose the later. I believe that when God has me open my Bible that He has something important to say to me and that I better be listening.

I opened my Bible today and was in Isaiah 61. I started reading and found that God had filled this chapter and the next with his love and longing for us. Not just to love us but to also bless us. His desire to live within us and dwell in our homes and lives. We are to be preparing for our Bridegroom. All that is needed is our open door and acceptance of these things.

We never stop growing, changing or learning. The Lord will always have a next step in our destiny and purpose. This internship that we are on in our fleshly lives is a training ground for what is to come. The right now and the concerns of today are small compared to what God has in store for later. There will be hurts, failure and disappointments in our daily lives, but the most important is how we live for the Lord. God must be the center of our "universe" we cannot allow anything else to take that place. Not people, anger, hurts, bitterness.....-nothing!


Sometimes when you are hurting the best thing to do is make a gratitude list, so this is mine. After making it all the worries and problems seam so small and insignificant. God's love is so Great and mighty.

~148-165
I am thankful that the Lord loves me enough to seek me out
I am thankful that He knows my needs and can fulfill them
I am thankful for the rest I got this week
I am thankful for the amazing ladies who knew I needed an evening out with the girls and for my treat of a pedicure
I am thankful for my friends who love me and watch out for me
I am thankful that my husband likes to surprise me by cooking and cleaning
I am thankful I married such a hard working man
I am thankful that the Lord provides for us even if we think he has forgotten us
I am thankful that the light at the end of our financial tunnel is getting a bit closer and brighter
I am thankful that I have amazing, smart people to give me advice and who allow me to cry on their shoulders
I am thankful for my son who made lunch today for me and the daycare kids, with out being asked
I am thankful for my many best friends who I can call on and who know they can call on me
I am thankful that God sees the destiny he has for me and that it is perfect
I am thankful that if we mess up he is still the father who is waiting to pick us up, dust us off and say that He loves us-Try again my child
I am thankful for his unconditional Love
and that He never forgets us and our needs
I am thankful that I am never truely alone
I am thankful that He sent us the sunshine when we needed it the most

I am thankful that He speaks to us through worship, prayer time and scripture
Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD's Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.

5 Aliens will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of their shame
my people will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land,
and everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 "For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and iniquity.
In my faithfulness I will reward them
and make an everlasting covenant with them.

9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed."

10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations.

Isaiah 62
Zion's New Name
1 For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.
2 The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

3 You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

4 No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah, [b]
and your land Beulah [c] ;
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

5 As a young man marries a maiden,
so will your sons [d] marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.

6 I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;
they will never be silent day or night.
You who call on the LORD,
give yourselves no rest,

7 and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem
and makes her the praise of the earth.

8 The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"Never again will I give your grain
as food for your enemies,
and never again will foreigners drink the new wine
for which you have toiled;
9 but those who harvest it will eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather the grapes will drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary."

10 Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

11 The LORD has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
"Say to the Daughter of Zion,
'See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.' "

12 They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the LORD;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.

new

Sometimes it is hard to put into words what God does in your spirit. I have been trying to write this blog post all day, but I can't put it into words. The best I can do is say I had a visit with my Father God yesterday and he said I was enough. I am worthy of his love and he desires me. He made me perfect and on purpose. All that is asked of me is to love and worship him. The pain in my heart was washed away with the tears that fell yesterday. I am now in the process of being reprogrammed and put back together. I must stop trying to hide from him when I feel inadequate or unnecessary.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Summer day 1

This is our first day of summer vacation at my house/daycare. The little ones were very excited that the boys were here to play with them today. Luckily that overshadowed the disappointment of not being able to play outside due to the rain.

They played games together and are now playing with play dough. This is the best inside activity for all of the age groups. The chores have been divided up and mine completed. Next is lunch and then NAP TIME!





Their nap time is my break time. I allow my boys, since they are past napping age, to play on the computer, draw pictures or read during this time. I do my work out and read. A few days ago I ordered 19 books each one under $2 from a Christian book supplier. I am so excited and ready to dive in, but first I have to make lunch for the kids.

I had set a goal in January to read 12 new books and I have exceeded that, so now my goal is to read these new books that I bought by the end of the summer.




~
A workout/diet update. I am loosing lbs and inches. Clothes that fit a month ago are hanging on by body, especially the pants. The good thing is that I kept the clothes that I felt had "shrunk in the dryer". This means I can wear those, but even they are a bit loose. Also clothing that didn't look right on my is looking really good now.

I had to slow down on my working out this week because on Monday I injured my ankle. I hope that it will be a lot better by tomorrow and I can start my daily walking again. I will have to take it easy on the aerobics workouts so I don't re injure myself. I am so happy and my health has improved a lot. I can't wait to get back at it! I feel very good about myself and that is the best thing that has come from all of this.

Eric

I got the biggest shock of my life when I was 18. I had been irresponsible and made choices that were against my Christian morals and values. The morning sickness started before I bought the test.

I took the test that came up positive on Dec 31st of 1997. I was pregnant. The first person to know was Jason and then my friends who were with me. We decided to tell our parents together. That was not a fun night. We were uncertain of what the future would hold for us. We were just starting out in college and had several years to go. I dropped out and got a full time job.

I wanted to get married, but was unsure if we were ready. Babies need both parents. We had very good council from our Pastor. He basically said we either get married or don't date at all. Jason asked me to marry him right there in the office. We went and got the ring so that we would have that to show my parents. Then came a lot of crying and figuring out what to do. We both had jobs, but they weren't very good pay and neither had insurance. We weren't ready for all of this, but we were the ones who got ourselves into this. Our wedding and honeymoon were beautiful.

The best day after all of the roller coaster rides was the day I heard my babies heartbeat. I needed that proof that he was there and healthy. Then we got to see him in the ultrasound. I fell in love with my Eric that day.

My delivery on 9-9-98 was two weeks after his due date. Eric was a very big baby 9lbs 4oz. He was a happy and healthy baby until a couple weeks later. I knew that babies spit up, but this was throwing up. I would feed him and he would promptly throw up every last ounce. As I sat watching this little man loosing wt and getting paler I did the only thing I could do, PRAY. We ended up admitting him to the hospital three weeks after he was born and scheduling him for an operation. After we got back home, he gained back all that was lost plus some. After this he was at 100% for wt and height.

He started speaking, crawling, walking all very early. Eric was reading fluently by age 3 and has a very high IQ. Socially he has always been behind. We started noticing that he was having difficulties, but didn't know what to do. His 2nd grade teacher call our first ever Care Team meeting and we were hit with the word Autism. Eric was tested and put on services with the school for Autism. We got his first IEP set up and started on our journey.





This year he was officially diagnosed with having Aspergers Syndrome, or high functioning Autism. With the help of our families, Pastors and school specialist our son has just finished 5th grade, with high grades and will be going into Middle School. I know he has a long road ahead of him, but I know that he has been given the needed tools to make it through this step in his life.



Today I sat proudly as my son walked across the stage, shook the teachers hand and was given a certificate. I am sure that the next three years will be full of challenges, some unique to our son's situation, but it will end with another graduation and another new journey.

I love my son more than he will ever know. I am so proud of him and all that he does. I pray for the Lord's guidance as we raise our surprise baby. There have been many bumps and struggles, but we are a strong family. What a wonderful surprise and gift from the Lord.